My Aim Is To Only Move Forward

My aim is to only move forward
My aim is to only move forward

I can’t take the journey for you… That’s on you. Even if you begin, I can’t help you succeed. You have to do that on your own.

Some of my biggest and most crippling battles where alone with my own thoughts. I’ve been paralyzed with fear, I’ve fallen into spirals of doubt, and felt the touch of darkness surrounding me more than you’ll ever know. Through it all, I waited for that small voice telling me to get up, today is the day, now is the moment… But that external voice never came. So I continue to wait, meanwhile looking over the cliff of the edge of my mind, waiting for my feet to give away and finally fall into the abyss. I tried alcohol – it did nothing. I tried meditating, nothing as well. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result – well what I’ve been doing is insane. Day in and day out, same routine – waiting for the day I break the cycle, but it never breaks.

Demon, what do you want from me… Come out and show yourself. Face me.

They say all the great ones went through this. Their minds were surrounded by deep darkness while at the height of the rein. They’d walk in and conquer the known world, only to throw it away cause they didn’t get far enough. Some didn’t even try to get started, something gripped them and crippled their spirit during their early life. Most people walk around like zombies, endlessly going forward, with no thought of the next moment… They don’t even look human to me…

The nights are the worse… the silence brings it out – torments me… There really aren’t any more excuses…

All my enemies are dead… or incapacitated… That final level, where you battle the final “enemy” – you realize you are only battling yourself at the end stage. Battling the thoughts in your mind, the obstacles put there by your past, your parents, your teachers, the ‘authorities’, past business partners, past experiences. Moving those obstacles in order to free yourself and become 100% YOU – is uncannily difficult. Every emotion, every experience, every scar, another chain, another weight, another thing tying you to the past.

All my enemies are dead… I have no battles left to fight… What’s crazy is, if I didn’t go through this, I wouldn’t be who I am, you wouldn’t be here, I wouldn’t be where I am, and they wouldn’t even know me… fucking demon, face me…

All the pieces are there, but I can’t put them together. Like grasping at fog. I know the answer to the question before you even ask it, I know the response you’ll give, I’ve mapped out your thought process and have perfected every iteration of possible outcomes.

“They sleep standing up, you know… Elephants – On account once laid down, They cannot rise again.” – Rome

I think it’s time for me to rest now… well not just yet, I think I’m broken at the core, that’s why I can do this, like this, the way I do this… You understand me.

god damn demon… I know, I know… we’re at the point – the critical one. There are no more excuses left… I know what must be done… All my enemies are… I know it’s a lie, I’ve got one more left… I tried to forget about that one.

I can’t help you anymore…

“We will never be together again. You don’t need my help anymore, and I wouldn’t want you to help me either. Once I leave, I am gone. Don’t think about me, for I won’t think about you.” – Carlos Casteneda

.. god damn demon… You still there? hello? … I still got one more thing to do… time to change my aim…

6 thoughts on “My Aim Is To Only Move Forward

  1. Was waiting to see some movement on that mailing list. Looking forward for your great insights as always.

  2. I read your post today and started laughing rather uncomfortably.

    First of all how did you get into my head? The reason I read your blog is that you seem to have had some of the same issues that I am having right now and you also seem to have overcome them. This gives me hope because what I have observed is that the longer my personal battle lasts the less I am doing about it. My effort seems to retreat a little every day and I find myself doing less and less to break through it. Then I realize what is happening and tell myself that tomorrow is the day I am going to break through. blah blah blah. (That’s how I get to sleep at night.) It is almost like a wave (try hard for a few days curl up in a ball for a few days) then start all over again to a lesser degree. (don’t try quite as hard and don’t curl up quite as long)

    Worried that I may just give up. The only thing I can’t beat right now is myself. That’s why reading your blog has become important to me. Seems to help me get back on the wave.

    Just let me say thanks for your effort I know it is helping at least one person.

  3. Hey CCarter. Can’t help but paste that quote…

    “There’s a storm inside of us. I’ve heard many team guys speak of this. A burning. A river. A drive. An unrelenting driver to push yourself further than anyone could ever think possible. Pushing ourselves into those cold dark corners where the bad things live. Where the bad things fight. We wanted that fight at the highest volume. A loud fight. The loudest, coldest, darkest, most unpleasant of the unpleasant fights.”

    A lot of us who are challenging “reality”, have daemons and fights to win. Maybe it’s better to stop running and preparing for that last battle and victory, and instead take pleasure from all the small battles, failures and wins? Maybe there is no last battle? Maybe our biggest battle is here and now, right now…

    Love your posts man (no homo)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *