Was It All a Dream

To say the last several weeks have been challenging would be an understatement of biblical proportions. They say the only way the phoenix can rise is after crashing into the ashes, brought down by chains of failure. During the day while the world buzzes on matters of gossip I toiled to keep my portion of the digital mine from collapsing on itself. The nights are the hardest, knowing a portion of what you set out to do that day ended in failure makes for a restless night. The nights I can dream I’ve seen visions of what’s to come.

Imagine if you will a world where your very vision stirs you from your slumber and calls out “Rise and walk with me creator, I’ll show you what I want” and the shadow points to an abstract object in the far distance. I walk towards it, but for every step I take the object seems further away. I start running towards it, but the rocks and steep grade of the land continue to trip me and stop me in my path. Only when I stop running does this object, this shadow of an idea seem closer than ever. But my feet cannot move, stuck in quick sand slowly sinking as I struggle to grasp at anything to keep me afloat.

As I sit there floating, half sunk, half waving my hands in futility my creation taunts me. The shadow chuckles and says to another, a demon I dare not name, “poor animal, when they get trapped in the sand they cannot get out. They struggle, and the more they struggle the faster they sink. One wrong step is all it takes…”

In my mind I reply “One wrong step is all it takes… for all of us.”

There is no freedom from the quick sand, but then again there is no quick sand, once I realize that is when I was able to continue my journey forward. The quick sand was a test, a test to show me I wasn’t ready, my coding wasn’t ready, the level I was operating at would have gotten me crushed in the final battle. Whatever code I had created I’ve had to disavow, that code was condemned to sand and the dust and now it’s time for me to continue this journey aiming forward.

The shadow of my creation continues the taunt, “We’re at the up-tide creator, one of us should change our ways… and I think it should be you.” Fighting both the demon and the shadow I couldn’t tell where one ended and the other began, I couldn’t tell who or what was in charge anymore. When my creation is telling me how to code – who’s the creator and who’s the creation? Who is coding who? Who is debugging who? Who is running who?

“There is no going back creator” – the demon speaks. Did I create the demon too? The demon and the shadow are fighting each other for me, to code them, to code me. I can’t tell anymore. The shadow represents a future that needs to be executed to exist, the demon represents a past that shackles the way forward, yet both want me to move forward in their own direction.

The demon speaks, “Vision without execution is hallucination – the shadow is a lie, it cannot exist if it hasn’t been coded. It cannot therefore visit you in your sleep.” The shadow replies, “If they cease to believe in you, do you even exist? They won’t believe forever, you are fading into insignificance even as I look at you.”

“I am nothing more than a blade a grass, but I am” chants the demon.

“How can a blade of grass be significant when the world stage awaits my arrival” replies the shadow. “To build an empire you start with a single soldier, or a religion with a single worshiper. To build a movement – that starts with an idea who’s time has come, not a demon of the past…”

“You know you have a further destiny, let this be it.” echos them both.

The same nightmare, night after night. I’d best not lie down to sleep anymore.

And then a shout – “Steer yourself for the work, If you cannot endure the nightmare, you should not lie down for the sleep!”

It’s the miner next to me, slinging his pick axe as he continues his work digging his tunnel. The digital mines are a cold and dark place, you can get lost for hours, days, or a lifetime. The demons of what you’ve created don’t leave though, they are echos of the past always in your ear. The shadow of the future dangles the carrot of ambition in front of you and demands your ever waking moment to come into existence. Even now I hear it’s chant in my head, “creator, give me life…”

Originally posted: Day 318 through 354 – Was It All a Dream? (Journal – Building A SAAS)

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